On January 8, 1984, a special person ( well maybe) was born into this world. I live a fairly average life. I experienced the usual stuff one experiences growing up in white middle class suburbia. There really isn't anything worth mentioning. This site focuses more on my transsexuality, so i guess i'll get to that. Well around the age of 7 or 8 i started to feel really uncomfortable with my gender. Whenever the guys and girls would do different things, i would want to do the girl one. Around this time I started cross dressing soon. Every time my parents weren't home I would run to the my mom's one closet and dress up as a girl. It was so exciting, i finally felt as if i was who i always wanted to be. I never really knew that their was others like me though, i thought there was just something incredibly wrong with me. Well things continued to get worse during elementary school, i always sat there wishing i could be like the girls i admired so much.
In Middle School, I began to suppress my feelings. I hoped that if i ignored them they would go away. During this time, i went into a period where i hung out w/druggies and drank intermittently. The denial, however, was soon to come to an end. After 8th grade, I went into a period of severe depression. I became suicidal and very unsure of everything. I couldn't stand the way my body looked so i became anorexic. As puberty set in i also became very uncomfortable with the way my body was changing. Every new body hair brought a grimace to my face.
In 9th grade, things took a change for the better. I stumbled across a crossdressing site on the internet. This opened up a world of possibilities, i finally realized i was not alone. I spent hours online looking at sites. Every new site brought joy to my face. I finally felt some degree of acceptance. Still to this point in my life, I had never told anyone. Around this time too, i found one of the best friends in the world. This would soon become my first long term relationship ever. Never before in my life had i felt such a deep trust for someone. So on, January 16, 2000, i told my girlfriend and my one friend from summer camp. This felt like i had finally let go off such a burden i had always felt. Some people finally knew who i truly was. After that point in my life things got better. I was able to talk to my girlfriend and friend about my feelings and finally felt like i was being myself. It was the greatest feeling to talk to my girlfriend about my feelings and have her accept me. In april of 2000, my parents found an im i left open. The IM concerned my wanting to be a girl and discussing it with my girlfriend. Later that day they locked me in a car and interrogated me about it. That really scared me. They decided that i was strange and needed to see a psychologist. I felt very uncomfortable at first going, but I have developed a strong bond with her since. She has really helped me to feel more comfortable with exploring who i am. Shortly after i started seeing my psychologist, i realized the difference between being ts and cd. I thought i was cd, but when i began to explore the sites more i related much more to the stories of the t girls. I realized that was definitely closer to who i was. Since that april though i have told tons of people about my who i truly am. First i told my close friends. It was very slow at first when i told people and until this year i never told a guy. But now i tell tons of people. I feel that this is the first step to becoming who i truly m. On a more physical level. I started shaving my legs in May 2000 and i haven't stopped since. I also started plucking around that time. I was surprised that most people didn't notice but it made me much happier. This april I began wearing nail polish all the time. This move has brought much more attention to my feelings along with additional harassment. I always remember though i can't let those get to me because most the people that will give you shit are unsure themselves. I know my steps may seem not drastic enough to some and maybe too drastic to others, but everyone marches to the beat of their own drum. On another note, recently my parents have become very mean about my expressing myself. They feel it is wrong and have gone to desperate lengths to stop it. In fact i am not allowed to actually go online anymore to look at "those" sites. But what momma doesn't know doesn't' hurt, hehe. With every passing day my desires seem to increase. I have come to the point where i almost cannot stand living as a guy any longer. I just hope that someday I will be able to find myself and be who I am inside as well as outside. Well I'll end with something more inspirational. My transsexuality has improved me as a person. Through my struggles, i have become very open minded and sensitive to others own hardships. I have also come to understand myself more as a person and the meaning to life. True strength comes from within. I just want to thank all the people who have supported me, your courage and unending love is so inspiring.
©Brandi Marie 2001